I Was Made For Loving You
by bh9
Summary: This is my alternative to Lexa's death scene in 'Thirteen'. I stayed as true to the scene as possible, but obviously had to alter a few bits. Multi chap, but not sure how many 2/?
1. Passing Through

Aloha! Surprise!

I just rewatched all the episodes from Lexa's introduction to her death, and felt it needed rewriting because f#!£ that shizz.

It's not overly long, but I felt like leaving it there for now. Might be a one shot, might be more, but I don't have much luck with multichaps so... let's not place our hopes and dreams on that!

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own The 100 or the characters etc etc

 **A/N 1:** Shout out to SGAFirenity who is writing 'Loving You is a Bloodsport' which is the one and only Clexa fanfic/any fic at all I have read in the past almost 3 years. The title comes from a song in one of the chapters which I have had on repeat since I first heard it. (It's an addiction, I've learnt it on the guitar too) -deffo recc the fic

 **A/N 2:** Lemme know what y'all think. It's been a reaaaaaal long time since I've written fanfic so thougts would be appreciated :)

...

 _Following the fight between Clarke and Titus in 'Thirteen'_

 _..._

 **Passing Through**

Clarke scrambled towards the door, her eyes finding Lexa at the same moment a loud ringing consumed her head.

"Lexa!"

Her eyes were wide with fear, but she kept them on Lexa's face as she watched her look down, checking for the wound Clarke didn't have the strength to look for. It was only when the Commander fell forward that Clarke sprang into action –catching her before she met the ground. In an instant, the shock that had kept her motionless was turned into frantic adrenalin, as she called for Titus to help carry her to the bed.

She was sure Titus had said something, but her mind was focused on Lexa alone. Sliding a hand down the abdomen of Lexa's armour, she could only hope it had been enough to slow the impact of the bullet.

"I need something to stop the bleeding!"

Black blood trickled out of the hole in the armour, as Clarke tried to work out how to get the clothing off. She kept one hand covering the hole as the other pulled at the shoulder of the garment to see if there was any way of undoing it. Lexa's hand found hers, but Clarke couldn't afford sentimentalities in that moment. She was going to save her, and Lexa's movements gave relief that she was still conscious –even as she contorted in pain. Clarke had been unable to meet her eyes for some time now.

"You're okay, just lie still, okay? Just lie still."

She looked frantically for anything to stop the bleeding, Titus lost from all memory.

Lexa's voice found her, "Don't be afraid."

Clarke looked at Lexa. She knew the words were intended to comfort her, but they sounded like defeat. She could only keep contact with those eyes for a moment, knowing she would be pulled out of her focus with the look of sadness that was home there.

"You're gonna be fine, stay still."

At last, Titus returned with a wet cloth for the wound. Knowing that it would do no good with the armour still in place, she called for Murphey who had been lingering by the door, seemingly unsure of what to think about the scene taking place in front of him.

"Quick, we need to get this over her head."

As instructed, Murphey helped to lift the wait of the Commander as they pulled the armour up and off. Lexa remained composed, only making minimal sounds of discomfort despite the movement. Clarke focused her attention on the bullet wound, pressing down with the wet cloth Titus had brought.

"Think, THINK!"

Clarke could feel the anxiety building in her chest, struggling to keep it under control as she tried to work out how to remove the bullet and treat the wound. To her left, Titus put down a tin next to Lexa and began removing instruments. Eyes wide, her heart seemed to swell and stop suddenly with the thought that she might actually be able to do this.

Her left hand slid under the Commander, checking for an exit wound. When there was none, she gave a sigh of relief that the armour had at least helped somewhat.

"This is going to hurt."

She had barely got the words out before sticking a finger into the open wound to feel for the remnants of the bullet. Lexa's stomach recoiled at the pain, her body lunging up as she cried out. Murphey took this as his cue and held the Commander down.

"The wound is shallow, the armour did its job."

She poured water over the wound in an attempt to see past the nightblood, but it was pointless as Titus had leaned over her to cup Lexa's face.

"Forgive me, Heda."

Lexa responded in her native tongue as Clarke watched on, frustrated that Titus was delaying her work on the wound.

"We don't have time for this!"

Clarke pulled Titus out of the way, having to take a breath to blink back the tears forming in her eyes. Titus responded to his Commander as Clarke grabbed the tweezers from Titus' instruments. She took a deep breath as she used her free hand to wipe once more at the blood covered wound.

"Titus needs to do his job, Clarke." Lexa's voice was steady, calm almost.

"He will have to wait. He's not a healer."

Clarke didn't look up as she spoke, nor a moment later when she warned of more pain. She pushed the instrument into the wound, doing her best to pinch at the bullet fragments rather than flesh. Murphey had his work cut out in trying to keep the Commander as still as possible, but Clarke's focus remained undeterred. Each time she removed a fragment, she inserted her finger to guide her to the next piece. Eventually, she had removed as much as she could. Lexa's body had stilled moments before, passed out from the pain. Clarke exhaled deeply.

"Thread. I need some kind of thread and needle."

Murphey and Titus disappeared as Clarke poured some water over the wound in an attempt to clean it out. Moments later, Murphey had returned with some thread pulls and Titus offered what appeared to be a sort of fish hook; it wasn't ideal, but neither had any of the techniques she'd been using. After readying her repurposed fish hook, Clarke looked to Murphey; he instantly understood and put his hands on the Commander's shoulders.

Clarke pushed the needle into Lexa and immediately she was brought from her unconscious state with a scream. It was horrific. The only thing stopping Clarke from throwing up was the fact she knew she was doing the only thing she could to save Lexa's life.

Halfway through stitching the wound, Clarke allowed her eyes to glance at Lexa's face before returning to the task at hand.

"I'm sorry. Just don't give up on me, okay?"

"I'm not. My spirit WILL find-"

"No!" Clarke snapped her head from the work at hand to show Lexa just how serious she was. Her brow was furrowed, her eyes a mix of anger and frustration. Anger that this had happened, and frustrated that Lexa seemed so willing to let go.

She continued, "I'm not letting you die."

Clarke could only hope that Lexa could feel the ferocity of her words, that she meant them with every fiber of her being.

She finished the last stitch and looked back up to Lexa.

"There's nothing you can do now. The next Commander will protect you."

Finally, Clarke's resolve faltered. She felt the breath caught in her lungs, a choke squeaking out from the back of her throat.

"I don't want the next Commander;" she took a breath as tears began to well in her eyes, "I want you!"

Lexa lifted her hand to Clarke's cheek, pushing a tear away with her thumb. Clarke brought her own hand up to meet it, closing her eyes as she tried to control the wave of emotion rolling over her. They stayed there for a few moments before Clarke took a deep breath. She looked at Lexa and pulled the woman's hand from her face.

"Lexa, I know you're in pain, but I've closed the wound. You've lost a lot of blood, but-" she took a breath, the adrenaline leaving her system, leaving her body exhausted from her frantic concentration, "we just need to bring you and the Nightbloods to Arkadia, my mom will be able to do more for you."

Lexa clenched her jaw. Clarke couldn't tell if it was an attempt to hide the pain, or her frustration at Clarke's insistence. She looked to Titus, his worried face in view just behind Clarke.

"Ready the Nightbloods."

Clarke's heart jumped and she couldn't stop a small smile reaching her lips as Lexa relented to her plan. Murphey was lead out by Titus, presumably sent to pass the message that the Commander would need transport.

The smile was brief, and soon enough, her eyes were filled with worry again. She leant over Lexa, caressing her cheek and spoke in a tone Lexa hadn't heard from her before. Her voice was filled with raw honesty –fear and love.

"I thought I'd lost you."

Tears dropped onto the Commander's face as Clarke's eyes betrayed her. Alone in the room now, Lexa allowed her put together exterior to melt away. She couldn't truly believe that she would live through this injury, but she seemed somewhat stable in that moment, and found her brow crease as her bottom lip wobbled. With her eyes closed, she pulled Clarke's forehead to rest on hers as she admitted something for the first time.

"I told you Clarke, my spirit would find you; you will never lose me."

Clarke's body began to stiffen in rejection, but before she could say anything Lexa spoke again, this time in a whisper so quiet, it was almost inaudible.

"But I thought I'd lost _you._ "

On the last word, Lexa's voice cracked and her body shook with silent tears. Clarke held her as close as she could without causing her further pain. The admission hit Clarke straight in the chest. She had been so quick to dismiss Lexa's words; she respected her beliefs, but knowing that more than anything, she wanted _Lexa's_ soul –not the Commander's. In all their back and forth, she hadn't contemplated what that meant for Lexa, that she believed Clarke would have part of her, but that Lexa, herself, would be left with nothing -no one. Alone.

Clearing her throat, Clarke leant her cheek to Lexa's.

"I'm not going anywhere."


	2. A Dangerous Plan

Okay so I couldn't keep away! This one is much longer, I think :)

Reviews much appreciated!

 **Disclaimer:** I own nothing

 **A/N 1:** Italics at the beginning are the end of the last chapter to remind anyone who is reading multiple fics

 **A/N 2:** It originally removed my page breaks, apologies!

...

 _The smile was brief, and soon enough, her eyes were filled with worry again. She leant over Lexa, caressing her cheek and spoke in a tone Lexa hadn't heard from her before. Her voice was filled with raw honesty –fear and love._

 _"I thought I'd lost you."_

 _Tears dropped onto the Commander's face as Clarke's eyes betrayed her. Alone in the room now, Lexa allowed her put together exterior to melt away. She couldn't truly believe that she would live through this injury, but she seemed somewhat stable in that moment, and found her brow crease as her bottom lip wobbled. With her eyes closed, she pulled Clarke's forehead to rest on hers as she admitted something for the first time._

 _"I told you Clarke, my spirit would find you; you will never lose me."_

 _Clarke's body began to stiffen in rejection, but before she could say anything Lexa spoke again, this time in a whisper so quiet, it was almost inaudible._

 _"But I thought I'd lost you."_

 _On the last word, Lexa's voice cracked and her body shook with silent tears. Clarke held her as close as she could without causing her further pain. The admission hit Clarke straight in the chest. She had been so quick to dismiss Lexa's words; she respected her beliefs, but knowing that more than anything, she wanted Lexa's soul –not the Commander's. In all their back and forth, she hadn't contemplated what that meant for Lexa, that she believed Clarke would have part of her, but that Lexa, herself, would be left with nothing -no one. Alone._

 _Clearing her throat, Clarke leant her cheek to Lexa's._

 _"I'm not going anywhere."_

 _..._

 **A Dangerous Plan**

There was a knock at the door. "Heda?"

As Clarke turned to the door, Lexa pushed herself up to a sitting position with a silent grimace.

"Lexa, you should be lying down."

If she couldn't hear the concern in Clarke's voice, she could certainly see it written all over her face. Lexa put her hand on Clarke's arm in a gesture of comfort.

"I will, soon." Lexa spoke softly before turning her attention to the closed door and shifting gear into her stern Commander tone, "Come."

Titus opened the doors and ushered in the Nightbloods. Clarke stepped forward in frustration.

"Why are they up here? They should be getting ready to leave."

Titus ignored Clarke completely, opting to instead speak directly to his Commander.

"At your will, Heda."

The Commander preserved energy with the tiniest of nods to the Flamekeeper.

"Natblida, you have fought bravely with my teachings;" Lexa took a few steadying breaths to get through the pain before continuing, "it is time to prepare for the conclave."

"Lexa?!"

Looking to her left, Lexa could see Clarke overwhelmed and angry.

"What are you doing? I told you-"

The Commander raised her hand and was surprised when Clarke stopped mid-sentence.

"You haven't thought through your plan, Clarke." She watched Clarke's brow furrow in confusion before continuing. "Pyke is your leader now. He has made clear how he feels about my people when he murdered them."

Clarke's eyes were moving around furiously as the reality seemed to sink in.

"We could-"

"And even if your mother could get away - with all the supplies she will need, the blockade will be in place. She would be killed if she crossed it."

Clarke moved right in front of Lexa. The Commander was sure her calmness unnerved her, as Clarke seemed to search frantically for another option.

"Lexa, that's YOUR blockade. Your warriors would let her pass if they knew it was to save their Commander!"

Lexa brought her eyes to meet Clarke, her voice softening ever so slightly –still aware of the company they held.

"You would risk your mother being caught by your people? And what of the lives she was saving in Arkadia?"

Clarke couldn't stop the tears that fell down her face, and Lexa found her hand cupping a wet cheek as the other pushed through blonde hair.

"Lexa, I can't lose you." Her next words were a whisper, "I would risk anything, for you."

Lexa felt her brows furrow in confusion, ever so slightly.

"But, your people?"

"You ARE my people."

Lexa was completely unprepared for the feeling swelling in her chest. Her eyes stung with tears as she did everything in her power to keep from kissing the lips that would have been so easy to capture. After taking a moment to recompose, Lexa let her eyes connect with Clarkes for a few beats, preparing for the words that were about to leave her lips.

"Are you sure?"

Clarke nodded with vigour, tears still streaming.

"More than anything."

And with that, the Commander's decision was made.

"Titus, get our fastest messenger."

"Heda?"

"Tell them we need Octavia kom Skaikru to find Abbey. We will ensure they have safe passage to where Skaikru first landed."

Titus nodded, ushering the Nightbloods out as he went. As the doors closed behind them, Clarke looked directly into deep, green eyes.

"Thank you." Her words were a whisper, as she closed her eyes with relief. Clarke leaned down and pulled Lexa into a deep kiss. Lexa felt faint, this time not from the pain. She was sure Clarke had quite literally taken her breath away when she finally inhaled deeply. "Thank you." Clarke repeated.

...

"Indra, a message from the Commander." Indra accepted the message, reading hastily, her eyes widening with each line. The warrior turned to her second who was clearly anxious to know the new information.

"Octavia, can you get back into Arkadia?"

Octavia's forehead wrinkled in confusion, but she knew better than to ask questions of Indra, and instead answered with a simple, "Yes."

"Good. Come with me." Indra called for two horses, nodding at Octavia to accept the reins. Once they began riding, Indra updated Octavia, "Heda has been hurt. Clarke has done what she can, but she needs Abbey."

Octavia nodded for Indra to continue.

"She has lost blood. We need to get Abbey to the your first camp."

"Pyke will never let Abbey just leave –especially not to save the Commander of the Grounders." Octavia stated the obvious.

"Correct. That is why I am going to get the clan on the far side of the dropship to entice Pyke and his warriors from the camp. We will push closer."

"So he won't notice she's gone." Octavia nodded, understanding.

"You will go in for Abbey and bring her to the camp. The Clans will be warned to not action the kill order."

Octavia nodded once more, before jabbing her heels into the horse, causing it to bolt as she led it in the opposite direction.

...

Lexa eyed the blood bags dotted around the room. There weren't many, but it was still more than she had witnessed first-hand. Her head remained still as her eyes moved from one to the next. Her face was stoic, stern as she lay on the makeshift bed –uncomfortable, less from the pain than from her surroundings.

Clarke seemed to sense her reluctance, picking up Lexa's right hand as she stood next to the bed.

There were too many people here. She was Heda, she shouldn't be seen in such a position of weakness. She clenched her jaw as her eyes moved past each person: The group of Nightbloods, Abbey, 4 grounders on the other side of the dropship –most had blood bags, Indra, Octavia, and lastly Clarke.

As though she could read her mind, Clarke leant in and whispered, just loud enough for Lexa to hear, "Don't worry, as soon as my mom finds you a blood match, we'll get everyone to leave."

Lexa had kept her eyes wandering over the various grounders as Clarke spoke, only flitting them to briefly give Clarke a small smile as thanks for the reassurance.

"Right," Abbey's voice grabbed her attention, "please hold your arm out, I need to see what blood type you are."

Lexa did as was asked and held out her left arm for Abbey to do what she needed to. Abbey held Lexa's wrist pushed the tester into Lexa's arm and pulled it out to read the results. She seemed to hesitate, licking her lips as she stared at the stick before lifting her head.

"..RH Null."

Lexa glanced at Clarke, sensing tension between the two. Before she had a chance to ask, Abbey was ushering everyone out of the dropship so she could begin testing the Nightbloods.

Clarke and Lexa were left with just the few other injured grounders on the other side of the dropship.

"What is wrong?"

Clarke tried to smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. "It just means it's going to be hard to match you. It's not a common blood type."

Lexa nodded. She wasn't particularly sold on the idea of taking blood, so didn't think on that particular issue as she returned her gaze to the other grounders who seemingly had no such issues with the blood bags.

"This is what they did in the Mountain?" Lexa berated herself for the fear that was evident in her voice, knowing Clarke would pick up on it easily.

Clarke turned to Lexa, her left hand still in Lexa's, and brought the other to the Commander's cheek.

"No," her voice was soft and pulled Lexa in. Lexa closed her eyes as she allowed Clarke to wash away her fear, "your people were… stolen. They didn't offer their blood, and" Clarke hesitated, not wanting to bring home too many memories for the Commander. She allowed her thumb to caress Lexa's cheek in an attempt to comfort her as she sought the right words, "when we donate blood, we don't… give it all. We give what we can, but make sure we keep enough for ourselves."

Lexa let out a slow breath and let Clarke pull her forward so their foreheads were leant together. She liked the feeling of Clarke's skin on hers. Despite everything going on around them, for the briefest moment she felt nothing but pure contentment.

They were alone for what felt like hours. The pain in her stomach had begun to quell after the pain relief Abbey had given her on arrival –despite her attempts to reassure her that she was fine without it. Exhaustion filled her body as it tried to do its own healing. Lexa lay with her right hand wrapped in both of Clarke's, resting on her lap, as her head sunk into the pillow. The Commander closed her eyes for what she told herself would be just a minute or two.

...

With a jolt, Lexa sat bolt upright, her hand squeezing Clarke's as she winced in pain from the movement.

"I'm sorry, Lexa, I didn't mean to.."

With a wave of Lexa's hand, Abbey trailed off. Lexa recomposed herself as her eyes landed on Aden stood at the foot of the bed. She looked to Clarke for an explanation.

"He's the only one who matched your blood type."

"No, Clarke."

Clarke turned to Lexa, confusion evident in her eyes.

"You know he is my most promising Natblida."

Her voice was stern. She didn't know what to make of these methods, she couldn't make a judgment on how successful it would be, so she knew she couldn't risk his chance in the conclave. Clarke looked to her mom who seemed to understand the silent request and escorted Aden out the ship.

"Lexa-"

"You ask too much of me, Clarke."

Lexa sucked in her bottom lip, struggling to control her emotions as she battled with the mixture of frustration, fear and sadness.

"No." Clarke's response was stern, and garnered a few of the grounder's heads to turn in their direction, despite their attempts to avoid the Commander's line of sight.

Lexa was taken aback. As Commander, she wasn't used to being spoken to in such a manner, even if she and Clarke had gotten heated in the past, this felt different. She watched as Clarke stood, fists clenching and unclenching as she paced two steps back and forth at Lexa's bedside. Clarke eventually stopped. She turned to face the Commander and took a step forward and pointed her finger at Lexa.

"It is _you_ that asks too much of _me_."

Lexa pulled her head back, somewhat confused, but expecting Clarke to continue.

"You've been trained for this. For most of your life, you knew you might lead your people –knew that you might have to make these decisions." Clarke's tone softened ever so slightly as she continued, "But you are asking me to let you die." She continued her pacing, pulling her hands through the blonde hair Lexa was so fond of. "For the sake of the coalition, for the sake of my people. That we will have a strong Commander who will honour our alliance as the 13th Clan; you ask me to let you die."

Lexa nodded.

"It is bigger than us, Clarke."

Clarke let her body collapse on the chair at Lexa's bedside. She leant her elbows on the bed, head in hands as she felt her insides fall apart.

"I can't do that again, Lexa." Clarke's head dropped to lean on the Commander's chest, cheeks wet as she pulled her arms tight around her. "Please don't make me do that again."

Lexa knew what she was referring to. Clarke had paid with Finn's life for their coalition.

Exhausted, the Commander let her head sink into the pillow. Her eyes closed as she let her fingers pull continuously through Clarke's hair, contemplating their situation.

...

Lexa's eyelids were heavy. She took in a deep breath and felt the weight of Clarke's head on her chest. She couldn't help the smile that pulled at her features. She moved her right arm to rub Clarke's back –not so much to wake her, as to just feel her close. Pulling her eyes open a crack, Lexa grimaced with the bright light, letting out a groan. Lifting her left hand to cover her eyes as she adjusted, she felt a pull on her arm. Not caring about the brightness anymore, the Commander's eyes shot open, taking in the IV leading to an empty bag of what she could only assume from the black stains was Aden's blood. She sat up, stiff, causing Clarke to wake with a groan and a sharp pain to move through her own abdomen where the bullet had penetrated.

Clarke sat up slowly, rubbing at her lower back, presumably as a result of spending the night doubled over a bed.

"Who did this?" Lexa's voice was pure Commander, her demand booming through the dropship as Clarke looked to see what had upset her. Her eyes widened as she took in the reality of what the empty blood bag meant.

"Lexa-" Clark's voice was still groggy with sleep as she tried to calm the Commander.

Lexa snapped her head to Clarke, every inch of her face serious with the gravity of what she felt this could mean. Lexa yanked the needle from her arm and threw the sheet from her body. Clarke clearly knew better than to try and stop her, and for that, Lexa was grateful. She knew this wasn't Clarke's doing, and didn't want her to feel the force of her outrage.

The Commander stormed out of the dropship, in as much of a storm she could with her current injuries. Once outside, her eyes scanned the people until she found who she was looking for. Lexa strode up to Abbey, who had turned at the sound of footsteps. Her face was resolute, prepared for the sharp end of the Commander's tongue –telling Lexa everything she needed to know.

"You understand that your actions were that of treason?"

Abbey tilted her head to the side before answering in an equally strong voice, "I do. But I also know that I am the only one who could make a decision based on my experience as a Doctor."

Lexa lifted her chin, she was somewhat surprised at Abbey's conviction.

"You were asleep; I had to make the call. I chose to save the Commander."

Lexa's eyes scrutinised Abbey's face for any sign of hesitation, but found none.

"And Aden?" Lexa asked, determined to know if her life had cost him his strength in any way.

"He's fine. I know your people aren't used to these methods-"

"Many of my people know these methods from the Mountain Men." Lexa retorted before she could stop herself. She knew from what Clarke had explained the night before that these circumstances were somewhat different, but she found it hard to separate the two. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to compare you. Forgive me."

Abbey glanced down, licking her lips before responding, "I know that this will be hard for you to understand; my forgiveness is not necessary."

Lexa nodded her head, grateful that she hadn't caused offense to the woman that had not only helped to save her life, but whom was the mother of the woman who had compelled her to live.

"The amount of blood needed to see you through was really not detrimental to Aden. He needs to make sure he keeps fed and hydrated, but other than that, he is fine."

Lexa nodded. "Thank you, Abbey." There was a pause before she decided to add, "You are a talented healer." Knowing it was very much true.

Abbey found an unexpected smile wash over her face. "Thank you, Lexa."

The Commander noted the lack of her title, and was shocked to find comfort in knowing Clarke's mother was comfortable to talk to her in this way. It was a great honour to address a Commander by their name, and she was pleased to allow Abbey this honour.

"We may need to use some more blood, but we will do what we can to avoid that."

Lexa nodded, content that she would have more control over the decision than the night before. The Commander gave a smile of gratitude before leaving in search of Aden.

From the dropship entrance, Clarke watched Lexa with a smile. The Commander felt herself being watched and lifted her eyes to meet the blue ones she felt she could never tire of looking into. They held eye contact as Lexa continued walking, a smile meant for Clarke only softening her face. She was happy to be alive.


End file.
